My favorite teacher, hands down, was my Advanced English teacher throughout high school. She never told me the things the other teachers did, "you can do so much better," "you are a straight A student, why arent you living up to my expectations?" etc.
But then again, I actually did my work in her class. I loved that class because it was always easy, writing always came naturally to me, with pen and paper. Blogging, on the other hand, not as natural. hehehe.
At the end of the school year, senior year, she left me a note in my class journal, basically telling me that I have a unique style of writing and that I should strive to be a writer as a career. It stuck with me, that and, If I do not write I will just go insane! 
drusdungeon.wordpress.com
thats my other blog, check it out!

So here I go again, with that all too familiar feeling of longing for… well.. something or someone to connect with. This happens not as much as it used to. Thank the “gods” for that, but when it comes, it unleashes a fury of emotions that are next to uncontrollable. It is a torture at the least. I must admit, I see others as weak usually for saying that they can not live without certain things. And it is not that I can not, or choose not, it is just that I do not live with those certain things. And there is no real reason for it, that is just what it is. I live without a significant other just because I do. I live without the fear of God just because I do. I live without belief of a divine plan just because I do. I do not need those things. But there comes a time when I feel like I want some sort of a connection, I do not know if it is with another human being or what else it could be….
She shrugs and changes her position in her computer chair.
I get lonely, sure, but I do not get lonely that often. I am content by myself, I am an introverted person who resides within her mind at mostly all the time. I know that I am not quite ready for any kind of commitment. But I do know that I am finally getting to a place where I wont be a total cunt to the next guy for what the last guy did. So yay, I am on the right track.
With a long outward sigh, she tilts her head back and looks at the ceiling. This is a way to relieve the stress in her neck that has been building over the past few days, which happens before nights like these.
So, sitting here with my cereal, at almost one o’clock in the morning, on a saturday night, I think of these things so that I can lay down and go to sleep. If I do not get it out this way it will just whirl around in my head until I get really grumpy. Then I will get out of bed and come into the living room and watch crap on television until wee hours and sleep all day. I get this way of thinking from when I was on drugs (eleven months clean!). When I was on these drugs I would sit up for days and talk and talk in circles and never really get to the point. Sometimes I would have epiphanies and then lose them within like.. three seconds. It was a crazy time, that went by very fast and very slow at the same time. I found a notebook I kept, I wrote sooo much. And I can not understand much of what I wrote. I had to read it a few times… and I realized the stuff I was writing about where exactly the things that I was talking about at the time. Weird. Wow am I glad I am not in that stage of my life anymore!
Suddenly, finding herself off topic, she decides to smoke a cigarette to gather her thoughts, and maybe even put them in order.
I do not really know the point of this entry, really I am just trying to settle my mind. I get thoughts that I do not understand truly and where they come from. Sometimes I feel increasingly unsettled when there is seemingly nothing unsettling in my life. Writing helps me get to the source. I may just be lonely, because I do feel very alone. At most I am comfortable with it usually. But sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone that wont argue with me and just understand where it is that I am coming from. Right now I miss the one person that I could always talk to without any reservations. My best friend. And I believe I may not find anyone else like her.

So i have a new blog, i will be switching all my writing to it, Eluding Atrophy is now at wordpress...  so please click the link and check it out. I will be keeping this account open for a little while longer. If you enjoy reading my blogs please find me at the link above. I appreciate those who do read my blog very much, so please keep reading!  I switched because I was reading a blog from there and it looked interesting, I had to try it. I find that i like it very much.
So, things going on with me, my brothers are moving out so i have my own room now. We just took the computer to the shop the other day, got it back in the same day which is a relief for me because i blog and chat so damn much!  My son will finally have his own room, his first own room in his life, so he is very very excited about it. Right now the walls in my room are blue so i will be painting them another color hehehehe.
My job is as it has always been, yet the 50% working is getting to be a problem, because I now pay rent so I have to find more work. ugh. Anyway, things in the states have died down, not because anyone has smartened up but because I have refrained from contact. And I feel better because of it. I expect that I will contact them eventually, out of curiosity when I feel like I can handle crap news without freaking out about it. hehe. Spring cleaning starts soon, because the boys are moving out i have to get the house squeeky clean since we are spreading out here, three rooms and three people instead of five so yay, more room. and it will be easier to keep clean! heheheehehehe.
Ok thats it for my last blog here! please click on Eluding Atrophy to read my new blog. And comment!!! i need comments!¨i have plenty of pages on there as well that should be looked at! i appreciate anyone who reads me! bye for now!

The following i posted on my myspace blog...
people are selfish. so selfish in fact, that they think everyone else is selfish... and that they are so selfless... but is it selfless to interfere in other peoples lives all the time? is it selfless to give unwanted "advice"? no its not. because if you feel the need to tell someone about what they are doing wrong.. it is only because it is bugging you.. so to make yourself feel better you want them to stop whatever it is... so that You feel better about You. you think that you are helping this person but you are not. what you are doing is making them depressed or angry. you are making them question their own integrity. you know that you can affect this person so you take full advantage of it. you are a fucking asshole. ASSHOLE or BITCH be it male or female. whichever you are, you know it.
you sit on your cloud of pompous ignorance. you think that you are such a good person and that everyone else is the fuck up. funny how we see ourselves in others isnt it? if you dont like someone... its not because of who they are, its because of who you are. you need to change the way you look at things. you see in others what you dont like about yourself and it kills you, but you are in such denial that you interpret it in a skewed way. you are so blind to the truth that you live in complete neglect of what is really going on in life. somehow, the things you do, and they suck, are justified. but then you see someone else doing either the same shit, or maybe even less than you, and you go all mommy or daddy on them. the only reason people are in your life is because they love you. and when you tell them the things you do, you are basically taking that love and slapping them in the face with it. a psychic vampire is someone who does these things. uses the affectiveness they have over others to bend them and shape them, make them puppets in a circus of delusion. its incredibly sad that you are this way. you have been conditioned to handle these unhealthy relationships to what you believe to be your advantage. when in truth you are destroying yourself along with the ones you supposedly love. these people love you and trust you but you manipulate and deceive to your hearts "content".
i see you. and i am fully aware of your trickery. thats the crazy thing tho, i see it yet i react exactly the way you want me to. i get upset over your words and then i calm down in the same sitting by your words. its repulsive that i fall into it all over again. but i do. so that is something that i am aware of and i am going to fix. i know that i am not who i was, but there is still some of me left in here and its the weaker part of me, the one that falls for the illusions that you so easily portray. its insulting .. im insulting myself by even responding to you, im insulting myself by even thinking of you. but as strong as i would like to be, i am only human. and i am the type that has to vent, otherwise it stays within me and festers and eats me alive and then i become what i so abruptly ran away from.
not only am i talking about myself here, i am also talking about a similar situation that a friend of mine is going through. they are not the same, but they do have their similarities. and i expect that if you people are involved and you read this you will know exactly who and what im talking about. the first paragraph is about my friends situation, the second is about mine... ^
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I had a conversation with someone last nite on the phone and it got me thinking about a lot that has happened in the past. this person made me feel like shit, somehow it became about them and the guilt trip roller coaster went into full affect. So when i got off the phone with this person I sat up late last nite and could not sleep. I took out my notebook and began writing. I realized that my past is not really THAT bad, and I shouldnt feel bad about something that I can not change. I have been in a bad place.. very very bad, so bad in fact that i didnt care what i was doing to myself or others around me. I get it. But i also wrote out a lot of stuff that has happened and looked it over.. maybe to rationalize it to myself, but i have to like myself, i am living in this body for the moment, i am me.. so why the hell not be happy with who i am? i made a list of certain things and looked at it. I have a few mistakes on that list that should not have happened.. but they did. but they are not as many mistakes as people would like me to think... people, one in particular,  make me feel like shit about things in the past. they are good at making me think that what they say matters. they talk the talk yknow. its insane that i even get worked up over what people say... thats the only thing that gets a reaction out of me now.. is that one person.. everyone else never really mattered that much, their opinon never wounded me like this one. As i was sitting here talkin on the phone, i felt a familiar feeling, and it made me sick to my stomach, a feeling that i lived with for two years. so i hung up the phone without a goodbye. I am not going back to that feeling, to that state of being. I hated it, I couldnt get out of it I was stuck in a life unlivable. It was insane. And being the way i am now, actually having a good time during the day with normal shit, and liking myself and laughing... then go back to that feeling for only a few minutes... OMG if i believed in God I would be praying for a lightning strike. I realized that I am not ready to deal with those people again. the fact that one person can get the same feeling out of me as in the past, proves that i havent quite gotten my strength up to par. I am not going back to that. NEVER. I wont be tore down again, I wont be broken, I wont be misled and I wont be used. I am working on my defenses. I will be better. I will be able to ignore you people. I will live my life. I will be myself. I will ignore those who try to bring unecessary drama into my life. And I will only tell you once to leave me alone, after all, whats life without a little warning. If, after forwarned, you come at me then suffer the consequences of your actions. I dont owe any of you shit! I dont care what you say or what kind of martyr you make yourself out to be. The Johanna you knew is dead and buried. You wont be able to budge me.. or affect me. Thats a FACT. And I wont turn the other cheek. I will call you out for what you really are and you will be broken down to nothing. I gaurantee you that.
End of my myspace blog post.

I am not who i was when i left the states. i know that. and i know that there is a little part of me that just wants to go back to the way things were out of habit. i am working my ass off to just find myself... to just know who i am. i go through research on topics to see what i like again. i had to fucking try to figure out what kind of music i like again. i dont want to go back to that place that i was at before. i would rather die then go back to the old ways. I loathe everything about the life i lived there. (except for my best friend of course.)
I have a beautiful son that came out of the whole mess so atleast that happened.. and the daddy... man i wish i could just sever the ties completely, lose my emotions of the past and the love that used to be just get rid of it all. i dont want any of it back. i dont want to be with him and i dont want to deal with his shit. he is in a mess that i am not going to clean up for him. when he grows up and straightens his shit out he can try to be a father but thats as far as that goes. i need to meditate to keep my focus.. i have to focus on what is important. i need to read to get my mind back into knowledge and out of drama. i am not petty or scheming like these girls that are trying to involve themselves with him. i am not going to fall for this shit yet again! fuck that.

Alexis closed and locked the front diner door. She began to mop the floor as she heard a scruffy voice from the back room yell out "go home! i will take care of that. you have finals and need your rest." the old man came into view.  he sighed as he watched Alexis mop. " you need to head out and i will take care of this ok?"
"And you are just going to clean all this up are you?" laughed Alexis.
"yknow I was actually able to run this place before you showed up, its not like the business didnt start until the day you got here... get out of here!" he said a little louder, like she didnt hear him the first time.
"fine," she sighed."but you will regret it, theres loads of work to be done." She went to the back room to grab her back and jacket, then came out and started laughing when she saw the old man mopping the floor.
"what? this is funny? get out of here, see you tomorrow!"
Alexis stopped laughing outloud and giggled the whole way to the door. "bye mr. clean." she said as she left.

She took a right as she left the diner. Her apartment was about four blocks in that direction. As she walked she tried to figure out in her head what order she was going to study, and what order she was going to clean the apartment in. After about ten minutes she started getting a strange feeling, like she was being followed. Without turning around she started walking just a little bit faster... im probably just being paranoid she thought. So she shook off the feeling and proceeded to run her list through her head.
Walking in perfect rythm to her counting of her list, she felt almost like floating as she walked down the street. It was pretty late at nite, around nine at night. So she didnt have much time to do all of the things that she had planned to do. Thinking of that she decided to cut a few things off her list so that she would be able to get things done.
Suddenly she is lifted off her feet, by a mass that ran at her from her left, and is thrown into the alley way. She landed flat on the ground, and the weight of the mass sat right on top of her back so that she was not able to move. She struggled to move, with no success...
"you move, you die" she heard a serpenty males voice whisper directly at her left. it wasnt the mass that sat on top of her. She was jerked up to her feet, and she looked around to try and catch glimpses of the faces that surrounded her, but to no avail. It was too dark. She saw five figures, two large and two medium build, and one small in the background.
the scrawny one has to be the lookout she thought. they were huddled together and talking so fast she couldnt keep up. there seemed to be a problem. she was up against the wall now with the biggest one holding her in place, with a knife to her throat. oddly enough she wasnt scared.  The big guy who held her in place started fidgeting like he was a bit nervous, "what do you mean?" he asked, irritated.
"thats not her....... " the voice trailed off.
Alexis understood what was going on now, they were going to rob her sister, but one of the idiots picked her out instead. Alexis started to giggle as she always does in tough situations, that always made her family very aggravated... and it seemed to do the same to these so called criminals.
She was pushed, hard, into the wall behind her.. and the big man with the knife started to breathe heavily. "you stop that laughing, or i will make u scream!" he whispered, with what alexis thought to be a smile on his face.. she could hear it in his voice. He wanted to hurt her. 
The men started moving closer to her, "what do you have? you have something right?" said the smallest of them, sounding very familiar....
"no, I dont have anything, I dont even live with my family." she answered slowly.
"This cant be happening," said one of the middle sized offenders.
The big guy that held her grabbed her purse and threw it at the smallest guy, who was still kind of in the background. As the purse landed in the hands of the little guy, Alexis noticed two more figures standing there, but not in the group. They were standing in the shadows, like statues. She could see their faces much clearer than the other guys, which was odd. one had black hair, looked like he didnt want to be there but didnt leave bc of the other guy, the one with the light brown hair and peircing green eyes. He was waiting for something. He seemed very excited, but none of the other men even noticed them. The lovely man with light brown hair and green eyes, and his aprentice with the black hair and black eyes who seemed impatient...
Before Alexis could utter a word, the green eyed man put a finger to his lips as if to say shhh. So Alexis looked away and waited. She stopped talking and moving and just waited.
The big guy holding her became very upset by her silence. So he took the knife and stabbed her through the top of her left shoulder. She cried out and landed on her knees. Before she was able to move her arms up to her wound the knife was jerked out, causing another agonizing scream. She fell onto all fours and she sighed and moaned from the pain in her shoulder. She wanted to lay down and go to sleep, but the man lifted her up again, this time he stabbed her in the back and then in the stomach, she didnt make a sound this time. She just fell back down to the ground and lay there. The men were about to run away, until something caught their attention.
The littlest of the men was standing there, in sheer terror as an arm had reached out and grabbed him, held him up off his feet and a smooth silky voice asked the rest of the men "forgetting something?"
Alexis lifted herself up and sat up against the wall to watch. She could feel her arms and legs getting very heavy, with all the life leaving her body as she watched the show. She wasnt scared, she was actually rather comfortable.
The men stopped in their steps and turned around quickly to see the smooth voiced man holding their little friend. With the light at the end of the street she could finally see the men that attacked her. She recognized them all! They were all in her class, economics or science, or... she couldnt remember where, but she knew them.
After a few moments of brief comments from the two statues, Alexis heard a crack and four men gasp, and then the little guy was gone. All the men where looking up, so she did too, and saw a figure float to the top of the building. She looked back down and the men where stumbling over one another to get out of the alley way. 
She felt herself falling into the wall again, this time kind of sinking into it, like it was permeable. And within moments the two figures where standing over her.  Everything sounded so muffled, but she wasnt in pain anymore. It sounded like the two men where arguing. But the conversation was abruptly ended by the green eyed man putting his hand up as if to say enough.
He knelt down over Alexis and leaned in to her ear. "Im going to make you well again, but I want you to answer me. If you want your revenge you may have it. You will have the strength, and more." The figure leaned away from her to look at her face, with an almost loving expression.
She managed to nod her head and whisper a sort of "ye" sound.
The next thing she knows the figure is crouched over her and she starts to feel something like fire in her neck, not that painful, but not pleasant either. She almost fell asleep. Then the figure is standing over her watching her... and she starts to feel tingles in her fingers and toes. The wound in her neck got warm and started to sting and burn. She felt very hot and uncomfortable all over. ... all she felt was pain and it seemed to drag on forever. 
Everything went black. She was hanging in mid air. Nothing underneath her. Nothing above her. She must have been dreaming.
She came to reality finally, and lay on the ground, not breathing, but very aware of her surroundings. Different and yet the same. She wasnt breathing? How is that possible. She looked around her. The two figures standing by her, she saw them plain as day this time. She cocked her head to the side as she stared at the ever upset looking dark haired one.
"what?" he hissed.
"friendly," she said in an unsympathetic voice, very unlike her. She startled herself with the smoothness of her voice, and the coldness as well. She sat up to look around, and saw that she was sitting in a large pool of blood.
" you bled alot, " said the beautiful light haired one." pitty, i didnt get to eat much." he smiled and winked at her.
She stood up with a giggle, very smooth yet again. And she looked around, the clearness was unlike she had ever seen in her life. Then she started to think about what just happened. It seemed so fuzzy, like a dream. In fact, her life until just now seemed like just a dream. It was like she was finally awake. She stood in amazement at this new feeling.
"what is going on?" she asked no one in particular.
"you were dying." Said the liquid smooth voice of the one who wasnt upset.
The other just stood there impatiently. " we need to go."
The brown haired one nodded once and put his hand out to Alexis "shall we?"
She took his hand and they moved quickly out of the alley way and into the street. She realized that everything was moving in slow motion, either that, or they were moving way too fast. but it was a comfortable pace. No body seemed to notice them.

Shortly after that, they were in her apartment. It didnt look anything like she'd remembered. It was much nicer now, still dingy but in a tasteful way. Perhaps she was just euphoric from the adrenaline of what had just happened. what did happen?
"Im Arius." said the smooth and now familiar voice. " and this is Gabriel. Dont mind his grumpiness. He thinks I should have left you to die, "  he laughed a little and then sighed, " but its nothing personal."
"none taken," said Alexis. And she meant it.
Arius brought her a new set of clothes, which was good timing, hers were soaked in blood and were beginning to stink. Her own blood had a strange smell to it. Nothing she had ever smelled before. She felt an aching in her throat but ignored it, she took the clothes and went into the bathroom and turned on the shower.  Undressing she noticed that there were no holes.. in her body...  she shrugged it off and just hopped in the shower. She washed her hair and her body and then jumped out.. put her clothes on and was out of the bathroom within a couple of minutes. Everything she did, she did it with ease. She started to piece together the events in her head and started laughing when she realized what had really happened.
"Im in a friggin sci fi movie." She said quietly, laughing to herself. Growing up she had always hoped, in a morbid way, that vampires were real. And she did have a familiar feeling about these two that stood there quietly, watching her every move.
"you are different from other new borns," Said Gabriel. "you should be uncontrollably hungry."
As soon as he said that she felt the aching in her throat. She put her hand to her neck, and heard a dry laugh coming from the ever upset, yet entertained Vampire.  "So im hungry for...." she trailed off.
"ha yeah." said Gabriel.
Arius sauntered over to Alexis and put his arm around her shoulder. "i knew you would handle this fabulously. This is my partner," he said as he gestured toward Gabriel, who stared at her with impatience and adorance. "We have known one another for almost a century. I am much older than he, you can tell by his amuzement lingering within his irritation."
"As always," sighed Gabriel, "you are a poet." Gabriel came so close to Alexis' face that she could feel his breath when he spoke, and smell a hint of blood in there too. " you have alot to learn. What are you thinking about now? Why cant I hear you?"
She took a step back. "you read thoughts. haha but not mine." she said teasingly. She turned toward Arius who was now going through her dresser drawers. crossing her arms, "you said something about revenge?" she asked raising an eyebrow.
Arius chuckled a little and kept rummaging through her belongings. She looked in the mirror and saw her face. Very cold and very beautiful. Her hair a dark crimson red, her eyes bright grey, with small specks of gold in them. Her pants were tight fitting, black polyester, low cut. Her shirt a tank top, black with red writing on it.. Slipknot. She chuckled. She found a pair of shoes on the floor, and some black, four inch heeled boots that she wouldnt wear in her life... until now. She put them on over her pants and studied herself in the mirror. Not bad.
"Revenge. For the ones who killed you." Arius said as he picked up a necklace he found in one of her drawers. It was a small heart pendant on a silver chain, with a tiny diamoncut ruby in the middle. "this is fitting." He put the necklace around her neck from behind her. He walks around to her front and asks her amuzingly,"what ever shall we do to those... murderers...?"  A smile spread his lips as he stared at her, waiting for her answer.
"Yes, whatever shall we do?" She replied.

The other day I was sitting up late at nite, as usual, and I was having a cigarette at the window, and my brother came over to me and we had a conversation. A long convo that we have had more then once. He was a wee bit inebriated and so the conversation did go astray a few times. But the point is that its a thought in my head that I am always battling out within my lonesome and so this time I decided to explain a few things to him. One thing being that no one really knows what I think and what I deal with. I was trying to say that I have come a long way but he would just shake his head and say that I really havent. So I finally had to say this... "look, people have no idea because I keep it inside, but I was almost dead a few years back. I was torn down into nothing, my very basic foundations in faith had been ripped up and abused. I didnt know who I was and I didnt know what to do. I havent thought for myself in almost four years. Up until about 3 months ago I was ready to just die." 
so I think that may have shed a little light on how far I have come. When everything came crashing down around me, everyone else was not paying any attention to me bc they had their own shit to deal with. people i knew were freaking out and having breakdowns and panic attacks while i stood calm and collected.. on the outside. I sat back and watched everyone fall into a hole that they were digging for themselves. At the time I didnt realize that I was digging right along with them, or atleast I just didnt want to acknowledge it. And then one day I find myself completely alone, with nothing.. not even myself. I was an empty shell. a zombie. So I had to find all that and take care of a child, by myself. My mind was so cluttered with shit that I couldnt see how horrible i must have seemed to everyone else. I lost a few friends in the process. I have one real friend left, and im lucky to have her. no matter how bad it got with me, she was there... sometimes from a distance to avoid the "stray bullets" but she was there in one way or another.  
Before I came here I thought that I was doing really good. I was starting to find things again.. what kind of music I like and what "spiritual" stuff i might believe in. I was finally having my own thoughts and ideas and I was liking it. Then I come here abruptly to find that aparently what i have found is not good enough. so i fell back into the state of just keeping to myself. the physical pain of irritation came back to me and i couldnt even lay still in the bed to go to sleep bc it hurt so much.  
but given time, that started to go away and i finally became comfortable within my surroundings. I was telling my brother, as he was explaining to me that im not a good person, that i was actually happy with who i was before i came here. and i told him the story of what i used to be compared to what i am now.
look i know that im strange. i know that im not normal. and i know that it bothers people. but just bc someone else tells me its wrong is not going to make me go, oh ok u must be right i will do that then, and just change the way i am to suit your sensible needs. do me a favor and respect the fact that we are all individuals. i know that i still have things that i have to work out in my life, but i really dont need u to tell me how to do it. bc what works for you is not the universal way, its not a one size fits all scenario. i have to find my way, otherwise i will never do anything on my own. it takes time. and so far, im happy with the way i turned out. i am finally feeling good about myself so dont try to ruin it with telling me how wrong i am.
I am fully aware of how i handle certain situations. people dont realize that i am constantly evaluating everything i do. after i do something that could have been handled differently, i think to myself shit why did i do it that way, ok lets try to do it this way next time.. and hell yes i try but shit these things are easier said then done. i dont understand why the people in my life feel this uncontrollable urge to point out every single one of my flaws no matter how inane.  i see them do things that i think could be done better. but i just make a mental note of it, i dont even voice the opinion, bc hey, its their life and i have MY own shit to deal with. I know that when someone says "hey dont take this the wrong way" or " dont get offended but.." they are about to say something that they know is condescending and ridiculing. and its their way of showing their superiority over you. why people feel the need to judge others for their ways is beyond me. if you have to judge, then do it silently. if i came up to you and said, "hey dont take this the wrong way, but you are a negative person who seems to have a superiority complex because you just pick out shit that other people do wrong.. and think that telling them in your asshole way they are supposed to say thank you for the advice, yes sir i will fix that right away." how would you react to that? u would get offended wouldnt you? yes i know you would. the only time i say something is when you offend me, so then i get upset and call you the above statement. dont be surprized when i react to you saying that you are just picking at me and think that you are better then me, because that is the impression you are giving. putting the words "dont get offended" in front of it doesnt make it seem like a nicer statement.. if anything it makes it worse, when i hear that statement, i think they know that what they are about to say is an offensive statement and they are just trying to cover their ass to look like the good guy when they say it.
i know that im selfish, hell yea i am because i have to be, no one else is going to think of me first. and bc i am selfish i know that everyone is and when i hear a statement like that i know its not coming out first and foremost for my sake, but for the persons sake that is making this comment. if the way i do things offends you in some way then you are taking it personally when you shouldnt. i dont do things to bother you or to make you happy. i do things the only way i know how, the only comfortable way for me. the things that i do wrong i am fully aware of but i cant just stop abruptly, it takes time to change things about yourself bc we are creatures of habit. esp me, im a big habit person.   the problems that you have with me are not my fault. you dont like it for your own personal reasons. i know that. and thats why i dont try to talk about it. i dont have to explain myself to you. i know the why the who the where the what and the how.  you dont have to know them. i see things that i dont like about you but i can disregard them bc i can accept people for who they are even with their weird or different personalities. i know that there is no one just like another and that to try to force my thoughts on them with out being asked is just a violation of their character.
my brother asked me what i thought of him before when he was "a bad person" or whatever he called it. i just shrugged and said, you were my brother then just like you are now. i mean really i never thought anything of him that i shouldnt. i didnt think, man why does he do that or omg he needs to change. i always thought, well he is who he is, he is my brother. i accept people for who they are. i dont give advice about anything unless its asked for. the only time people dont take offence to criticism is when they ask for it. if they dont ask for it and you decide to give it to them anyway, its intrusive and disrespectful. and they will see it that way. people dont see if you are trying to be helpful because unwanted help is just that.. unwanted.

You know, no matter how pissed I get or how annoyed, I always find myself in the end, and return to my right state of mind. So here I am, looking at all that has been "said" or "not said" over the past month and its so silly to me. I get dramatic really fast and let the rant slide out, it might make for good blogging.. haha.. but thats about it. It doesnt do me any good to rant and rave about shit like that. I dont care if my family sees my blogs anymore because I have explained to them time and time again, that I will talk shit about everyone at one point or another, then I will get over it. But I have to get it out somewhere and Im more on blogging now then anything so thats what Im doing.. letting it out here. You all just have to realize that. I have been bloggin on my myspace page for much longer, and a lot of what I said on there pissed so many people off!!   http://myspace.com/yoyolp02   (add me!) But they got over it like always and so thats that. They get it now I think, I will always have an opinion just like everyone else.

The fact that I get to people and get those kinds of responses is a good thing. It means that I have an affect on people, but more importantly, people are reading my blog! Woot! I mean really thats the point right? I think its awesome that people read what I write, my english teacher in high school said that I have a unique way of writing.. What you think? :Þ

If you do read my blog then you would know that I work at a restaurant and that I get a little aggravated by the job. I like it just fine, but sometimes we get the crap customers. I have a blast when the tourists come in because I get to wait on them since I speak better english then everyone in the whole of the restaurant. And I always have a good time with the small talk, they always ask me where Im really from (ha) and I go into the explanation of where I have been. There was only one tourist that I really did not like, He was a total cock! And i wrote about him in a previous blog sometime ago. Recently my problem has been with my coworkers. Just the pushyness of the bosses and the idiocracy of the others. I guess you are going to deal with shit where ever you go so I shouldnt be surprized with any of it.
I dont like being touched... but I get pushed out of the way, pulled in different directions and shit like that. I know what Im supposed to do so stop touching me. All you have to do is say something, which bothers me also but not as much as you touching me.
Here is my problem with my job at the moment. The way that I know a waitress is supposed to do her job is to wait a table at a time, make sure that you finish that table before you move on to the next, that way there are no people going "hey! Where is my drink?" or whatever.  But for some reason the waitress that I work with likes to take all the orders and expects me to just do all the drinks and soups... ha! are you friggin kidding me?!?  either that or I am working five tables to her one!!! UGH
Add to that, I am working on a table trying to get it done so that I can move on to the next, and someone says hey do this.. it fucks me up and I forget what the hell I was doing.. so why not just let me do my job I dont need you to stand there and tell me what to do when I am already obviously doing something. The energy that these people spew out is enough to send me on a collision course but I am learning to sheild that. Then when they speak to me its a whole other thing. Stop speaking to me, just let me do my job u asshole.  Rushing to get all the orders in is fucking retarded as well. Not only is there chaos in the restaurant, you want to overwhelm the cooks also? Where does you line of thinking come from? I am good at what I do, I have been doing this for a while, WHY are you hear yelling at me, blaming me for shit when there is someone else there who constantly fucks up. Is it because I am younger than this woman? Age doesnt count for wisdome I can guarantee you that. So thats my job.

I have two lives, or atleast I like to call it that. I have one here, and one in the states. I dont like to say that I only have one of those, because so much has happened to me outside of this country that I just cant forget. I wouldnt take any of it back, to be honest, because then I wouldnt be who I am today. And if things didnt happen that way then its not like I would know so I guess it doesnt really matter does it? Anyway, I am a lot of things. I am a mother, a friend, and a sister and a daughter.  In that order? Sometimes. I dont have my priorities lined up in any certain way, I deal with things as they come to me, and I dont try to think too much about stuff because that just makes it seem overwhelming. I have been overly upset about a lot of things lately but my mind is right again.. for how long tho no one knows. I guess life wouldnt be life without its little, and big, ups and downs.
I have things brewing in the states as I write, even tho im not there. That just goes to show you that you dont have that much control over everything else. Control is an illusion. We have no control over anything thats worth controlling. Everything in our lives is just a distraction from the truth. (i wont go into that, because people tend to shoot the messenger)

I have noticed that so many people put so much stock into their religions. I see on face book that a lot of people are christians or that they put Jesus in their religion box. hmm.. i put satanist. Wonder if anyone has noticed that yet?

I have been hearing so many things.. speaking to all kinds of people in the states about a certain situation. I really have lost interest in it all. I have my own shit here to think about. So I am going to be totally honest here and tell what has been going on.

I have recently learned that after being told one thing, my baby daddy did the opposite of it. He told me that he wanted to get married and blah blah blah. Then he turns around, since im not there, he fucks a girl that may or may not be his other baby momma... it makes no difference to me whether or not the baby is his.. it has nothing to do with me or my son. So, basically, on the phone he tells me that I should understand and be okay with it. And that it was a one time thing with no emotion involved. Those two have a history, obviously, so no emotion involved is a stretch. But I do think that he was trying to convince himself that as he was telling me about it. I dunno its possible that a fuck is a fuck in this situation, but how the hell do I know for sure? I dont.  Within that same conversation he tells me that the sister of the girl he fucked was bragging about cussing me out on the internet (which is a cowardly way of doing it i say, so nothing to brag about really), so as we are talking i look and find what was said... was about me but not to me.. another cowardly move. So I respond, and obviously got a rise out of her. Hahahahaha. Well all the things that she said to me after that was basically the truth about her, she was using her way of turning things around just like everyone else does. I have figured out that  she is trying to make me mad at him for her sisters sake. trying to get me to say forget him so that her sister can pick up the pieces. Im not mad at him FYI.  So all she gets is my intelligent remarks verses her illiterate "words" back and forth through facebook emails. *sigh*  little does she know, I laugh everyday at this bitch. Because I know that when I get back she wont act that way to my face, she says now that she will... but she wont. Even if she tries, I wont be doing any talking. Now some people might say that me reacting to her at all is questionable on my part. But the thing is.. im not the type to turn the other cheek. That shows weakness. And im not weak. Everyone who knows me for me, knows that I am far from weak.
I will be truthful to all who ask any questions. I will be an adult, I know when not to fight with people, I know when to say no, etc. I also know that being a pansy and just letting people say whatever they want to you will give you nothing but grief. So that being said, Im beating her ass as soon as I see her.
On to the rest of the situation! After being told all this by him, he tells me that I am the one he wants, as soon as I get back she will be out of the picture... hmmm. I also know that he told one of my friends that I should have been there, so technically its my fault that he fucked her in the first place... ha! Like im responsible for his actions?!?!?! He has his own brain, sure he has been in prison for two years and it was hard to say no.. but I would have been majorly impressed if he would have kept his dick in his pants. Now I just see him to be like everyone else. He asked me if I think less of him now that I know that... And I couldnt answer him. Because I really didnt think too highly of him to begin with. I dont know him, he doesnt know me. So what is it that Im losing if I never come back? I know that he wants me to come back, not because he wants to see me, but bc he wants to see our son. understandable. but he also already has expectations of me. I am supposed to be friends with the bitch and her sister... apparently he thinks that the baby is his already and that the two kids need eachother.. pffft. like thats ever happening. Im not dealing with them.. i dont want anything to do with them. they disgust me. Im not sure I will be able to keep from throwing up on both those bitches the next time i see them. according to him, she has no problem with me and wants to be friends... right. It aint happening. I wont apologize for this next statement. Im better than them. I wont surround myself with trash, I dont want their stink to rub off on me. there I said it. And I dont owe anyone anything. So to be asking anything of me is rather redundant.... and foolish. Because no body will get anything from me. I run this fucking show. I say what goes in my life and in my sons life. And who the fuck are you to tell me any different?
I dont owe you shit! and i wont owe you an apology for all the things that i will say to you when i do get back. There is a "talk" expected to happen when i get back for us to work things out. riiiiiiight. I dont want to be involved in any kind of love triangle. I have a life to live and a son to raise. Why the hell would I involve myself in drama? I have a brain and I know better now. I was blinded by the situation in the past and could not see that it was killing me. Well history will not repeat itself. I will talk to you once, and thats it. I will tell you what I think of you. I dont like you bitch. so there wont be any friendship. I cant be two faced, I cant pretend to like someone when in actuality you do nothing but make me want to vomit. Yes I am hateful, and im selfish. but atleast I admit what I am. I wont be something I am not, I am not a fucking pushover.

"If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires."-- Abigail Van Buren

After everything that I went through since I was at the age of twenty-one, I have had to do some serious rethinking, rebuilding my very foundations of my basic beliefs, etc. I was bruised and broken down to nothing. My heart was ripped out and repeatedly crushed and stepped on. I was put into a place that no one could have helped me out of. I turned to drugs to dull the pain... but soon I got so numb that I tried more drugs to just feel something. I just fell down farther and farther, and got off the drugs but felt nothing. Eventually I found myself with no home, nobody, and nothing to call my own. I had a car and my son.. we had no where to go. So I left, and came back to my home country. Iceland.
I have been here for eight months and I am just now getting to feel human again. And not so much like an empty shell. Stuck in my old ways, I wouldnt speak to anyone when I first got here, and just the sound of another humans voice drove me mad. I was writhing in aggravation every night.. felt like I should just end my life. The universe saw it fit that I was in this country and around the more dominant and controlling people in my family. Because if it wasnt for them, I would have just crawled under a rock and died. They pushed me to get a job, to do things, and to talk about the weather. There are aspects of everyone that just bug me, but I can see now that I would not have made it to see the year 2009 had I not came here. I laugh now. I talk now. I have opened up to people and actually made a couple of friends.

I was always the strong one. I was always the one to come to for advice, even when I was at my lowest. Somehow I managed to keep up the facade of my former self while I was dieing inside. I have done some serious soul searching and I have finally found what I believe to be my real self.  

I see things to be much simpler than before. I see that people complicate things because they just can not perceive the simplicity of life. It would rock them to the very core if they saw it the way that I do. I have found my convictions and my beliefs in all the chaos that had become my life. I found what really mattered to me before all of the shit started. And so I held on to what I was, and let go of everything else. Ind the end, you die alone, and you cant find real love until you really love yourself. I see it this way, if you can not be happy by who you are no matter what you are doing.. then its not what you are doing that is wrong, but you are wrong. You dont know yourself if you are unhappy.

I wont lie. Im not ecstaticly happy. But I am happy to be me, and I dont want to be anyone else. I see things in a simple way, and I will always see it that way. I will make decisions soon that will not be swayed by the words of others.

There is a situation at home.. in the states.. that I will have to face when I find my way back there. The thing is, its not my situation. So I will be making that clear to everyone. We will have the talk and I will explain my thoughts, and I will not budge.

The Johanna that you knew is gone. She died and is never coming back. You will see. And you will not have any power over me. Any of you.

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "-- George Carlin

I get mad pretty easily.  It takes a while for it to wear off so that I can think straight. And I dunno, I am realizing a lot of things now. I had basically wanted to know if I was headed in the right direction and I got my answer. The universe slapped me in the face as if to say, are you sure you want to go through all of this again? didnt you learn anything? And the more I think about it, the more I see that I was about to go right back where I was before, on the lower level where the insects, worms, and filthy things are. I am not dealing with those kinds of people. I already did and it turned out in the opposite of my favor. So I got people trying to fight me already and we are not even in the same zip code! Well of course they will act brave now, because I cant just show up on their doorstep. Thats a matter that is not at hand right now anyway. I just dont know why the hell I get into these situations. Obviously someone is trying to deter me due to their jealousy or invidious plans. I know that its an attempt to provoke some sort of confrontation. Well I bit. I sent a message to this miscreant out of sheer ferocity. I was pissed. First of all, who is this bitch talkin to me like that? and blah blah blah I ran through so many thoughts. I couldnt sleep that night because I just could not force myself to stop thinking up different ways in which to beat the ever loving fuck out of her!
Oh the tangled webs we weave! This foolishness is really trying my patience. I know that there are certain people who expect certain things from me.. but I am not sure that I want to live up to anyone's expectations. I am the cool one, apparently, as I have been told by the father of my child. He says that I am the mature one and will always be the one la di da. I understand the fact that I have always behaved myself but now I feel as if Im being taken advantage of. In my absence, he is taking opportunity to have sex with sluts.. he told me so, its nothing he says, no emotion involved.....
How does a self respecting young woman respond to all this? Im not trailor park trash, I dont come from this sort of environment. This is so beneath me that I could vomit. Why on earth would I ever put my self in the position to deal with these situations? That is the question. Because I have and I am doing what I can to not do it again.
So the situation that I have "back home" is a little girl talking shit, a baby daddy back with his other baby momma but waiting for me to get back and he will drop that hoe, and what else? more and more drama.   From what I hear on the phone is that these bitches aint shit, its me and you baby and I cant even bring myself to feel anything about that, good or bad. I am so over all this shit.
Just took a ciggy break and spoke with a few people and I am now starting to realize how fucking stupid this all is. These things that are happening in my life that I am not around to see shouldnt affect me like this. My brother just told me that the meaning of life is to have fun. So this is how it will be. I will have fun while I am here I am not going to let this bother me. As I sip my coffee and smoke a cigarrette I think of my son and what would be best for him. One thing is for sure, I wont expose him to such drama, not at the young age of three. I wont recognize that he is apart of any of this. If my son has a sister he will learn of it when he is older. As long as I dont want to deal with the immaturity of the family he will remain ignorant of the situation. I dont want that shit around my kid. I dont see the point of making him go through such things. The fighting that is going on with me and others should not infect my sons childhood. When these BITCHES can just shut up and leave me alone and let things be then maybe I will think about letting them near my kid. But until then he will not know who they are or what they have to do with me or his daddy.
Ok, so the blog took a turn that I did not expect. I guess that is what happens when you let your mind run like that. I dont have the mental capacity for this childish bickering. Its pointless. The fighting is not the kids faults. I will eventually come to tell my son that he has a sister. But I need to get my mind around the fact. I need to be okay with it. I dont want to bring any bitterness into the situation. I told the daddy that he would have to give me time. I cant just be cool with all this. I have known about this for two years yes, but that doesnt make it any easier to deal with. I have just been ignoring the situation. I am an adult and I am not going to fight with anyone over this. What is.. it just is.  Things wont be the way that some people want it to be. But it will be okay. I would just as soon not even go back but I cant bring it out of me to be a total bitch like most normal people would be. Anyone with half a brain would have already just put an end to it and just filed for child support and let that be that. I wanted it to be that the other one just be left alone but I see that is not happening. I am supposed to believe that when I get back then things will be ok and that me and him will be together. I dont believe that. Really I deserve better. Someone who actually cares what I think. Someone who doesnt assume that Im just cool with everything and that aleviates all responsibility of his actions. I dont care what reason is making things happen this way. It is just wrong. And now Im disgusted and feel degraded and lied to. Im glad that I know whats really going on, because now I can move on with my life. And laugh at these dumbasses who are stuck in this situation. This has nothing to do with me.
So, For anyone who cares. When people grow up is when my son will be involved in your lives. Until then I hope you all find what you are looking for.. just keep me out of it. I dont want anything to do with you.

So the placenta is to be eaten by a twelve legged spider,
Smiling with jagged teeth I embrace his pain. 
I sit in deprivation as I feel like an outsider,
Singing hymns of old in utter torment and disdain.

My brain is pierced with railroad spikes of instigation,
Streaming filthy poison into my veins. 
I writhe and scream in full out determination,
As I scratch the flat surface of my prison of pain.

Sacrificing myself to maintain others expectations,
Aggressiveness echos within my hollow core.
Trying to hold the disguise in certain situations,
As I fidget underneath I know that I need more. 

I wrote that last year, its copyrighted, and it seems to fit me very well yet again. The middle verse, coming from another poem being part one of this one, seems to just hit the spot. Yes there are people causing trouble in my life, even though technically I am not the one troubled, It is my family and I take that as a shot to my head as well. You hurt my family you hurt me. Im sure that most people feel that way.
I am really losing all emotion for a lot of situations. Everything is just so played out. Im wondering if Im losing my passion for things. Because I get upset or something and it doesnt last long anymore, So if I have something to say I have to say it within a few minutes. It is just not worth being mad long enough for something creative to come out.

I suppose I should thank you for opening my eyes
to how malicious people truly can be.
I see the dismal truth of you and who you really are
with all of your intricacies.
The abrupt demise of your foolish disguise
has lead me into a state of melancholy,
For I believed in your lies,
that fake look in your eyes,
kept me distracted from your apathy.
And yet, don´t be surprised
when you see in my eyes
a blank concrete stare of stolidity,
for your hollow lies
and your melting disguise
have lost all form of validity.

This poem I wrote a very long time ago, right after I suffered a great deal due to a loss of a relationship and all the drama that followed. I am starting to see this one fit a new situation, because I am becoming very apathetic for a certain persons situation because they will not leave my family alone. They are angry, falsely getting others angry as well and its just ridiculous. One thing I know is that I do not feel sorry for this person at all, for anything that they may be going through. I understand the situation completely, and sure it must be tough. I totally get that they are upset about some things but they are not seeing it clearly. And there in lies their own pain, it could be so much easier for them if they would just step back and take a look at the situation. They have no compassion for the other party, all they see is their own greed and what they think they deserve. I know what they deserve, and they are getting it. And a warning, I know these things well, it will only become more difficult with every passing day until they learn to understand the entire situation. Out of all that I suffered, I even accepted these people as part of the family for a while. Well that time has passed and now I consider them nothing more than bitter aquaintances. I have no sympathy for such people.  
When the storm passes they will have to pick up  their own pieces. No one will do it for them. They will learn that quickly, and if they dont, they will just stay this way, rotten, or get worse. I, for one, am not worried about what will pile up in the compost heap. Thing is, I see so much of myself in this situation, but at the same time I dont understand why they cant just grow up, wisen up and just be patient. I remember my own pain, how much I hated certain people. I understand where it comes from and I know that its not something you can just stuff away in you underwear drawer. So what the hell can I do? I cant help them, nor do I want to. I would rather just sit back and watch these people be stupid. Its irritating that they are coming after my family, and it will be much worse for them when I get back. But there is nothing I can do right now. So perhaps I just wait, and watch things go down. I already know whats going to happen. But Im not telling, because I want to see it happen that way. You will never guess what I am thinking of.

I have been filling out paperwork for my son because we believe him to be autistic. So here is the crazy thing about it. All the things on this paper- behavior problems and intense quirks- I have these as well. I am also, most likely, as autistic or more so than my son. So here is the question... why didnt my parents do anything about it? My cousin tells me that back then, 20 plus years ago, they had no idea what it was. Autism was not a well known problem or disorder back then. I understand that. But my whole family tells me now, that they knew there was something wrong with me as a child. I was picky, very O.C.D, and had to repeat things over and over. Along with that I rocked back and forth and moved my head repeatedly back and forth as if I needed to. I also ate things that were not food, dirt, pencil lead, and matches. How did my mother not notice these things? She was an alcoholic and hardly ever there. If she was at home she was sleeping and she herself was also dealing with her own issues. She couldnt see past her own pain to see mine. As a child growing up with a condition that nobody knew I had, life was very strange and difficult for me. I was the outcast and had barely any contact with people. When I hit the age of twelve I started to see that things I did werent the normal behavior for a child so I did what I could to stop doing them. Of course I did not understand why it was wrong for me to be myself... but to make things easier and to escape the stares and questions I learned how to move around these things. I learned how to basically supress my need to move things around, to eat things that werent food, and to look around the room while people spoke to me. It was a constant inner battle.. I started to see that I was different and that something was wrong with me. Because I never knew that it was a condition in my brain, I thought that I was a freak and that I didnt belong anywhere. So I became depressed and anxious all the time. I am realizing now that I missed a few things. Now that I work with the public I force my face to move into a smile or a look that lets people know I am listening to them. I work my ass off in my head to focus on what people are saying, and if I cant focus I move in a way as to look like I hear what they are saying. The more "what?" and "pardons" I use to more people get annoyed and think Im deaf. So I have to work within my own mind to force myself into a mood that makes me seem more pleasant.
I am going to ask the lady that is checking on my son how I can be checked for this Autism. Its not usual that an adult gets diagnosed with autism is it? Well I think its possible to find a way, because I need to know. I need to be told by a professional if this is what I am. It would answer a lot of questions. It would explain so many things to me!
I remember a few instances where my friends would tell me that their parents didnt like me bc they believed there was something missing inside of me or that I didnt have a soul... why a parent tells their kid that I have no idea. I know that my best friends mother believed I have no ambition and that I have a couple screws loose.... I probably do have a screw loose which makes me autistic... well it could be A.D.D even or maybe some kind of dissociative disorder. I do know that I would rather live in my own head and that I dont like people looking at me or asking me questions. I know that I have to move things to match and certain things that belong to me have to be in their proper place. I can watch the same movie over and over again and I can say the same phrase over and over again and it brings me a sense of ease. If i rock back and forth I dont feel so chaotic inside... it calms me. If I fall out of routine then I become very uneasy and I dont feel right for the whole day. So yeah... I have all the symptoms of an Autistic... as does my son. It just makes me think of how friggin neglected I must have been as a child. Well knowing that me and my son have this in common helps the situation, because maybe I understand how he feels... and so then he and I can handle this together.

Other things that I have issues with is being cornered, held down, or picked up. I dont like being touched, it aggravates me so much that it causes me physical pain. If people try to tickle me for too long it starts to hurt me so bad that I start to cry, because again, it aggravates me to no end. I cant stand being asked questions about shit that is unimportant, like what are you doing, why, what are you going to do, do you like doing this, do you do that, and basically anything that is small talk. I feel like people are prying whether they are or are not. My mood changes so much, for no reason why, I can be normal and calm one second and then furious the next and most of the time I have no clue where it came from. People, in general, just bother me. If im not used to that person and they try to talk to me like they know me I feel almost violated. (what i just described is my off days, sometimes its not that bad)
I am a very picky eater and thats not because something tastes good or bad. Im very sensitive to the textures of foods that they are uncomfortable to chew or just touch. If my clothes dont fit a certain way I freak out. If my pants are too short I wont wear them. If my shoes seem to make my feet look big I wont wear them bc then I get more clumsy bc I cant stop thinking about my feet. I am a clumsy person as it is... the clumsiness comes from the fact that I am not very coordinated. But on some days it is not that bad. I fall into almost trance like states and cant hear people trying to talk to me. Sometimes I cant get out of that states and I stay hazy for a long time and become more and more clumsy. If certain doors are open I have to close them, if I dont I cant stop staring at them and it messes up whatever I am doing at that time. Same thing with drawers and lights. If I am drinking a soda or a coffe they have to be on my left side, other wise I loose my coordination again and get aggravated. When I drink coffee I have to have a spoon in it so that I can stir it constantly. I have to stir it just about before every sip. If im not leaned back in the chair im sitting in then I have the need to rock back and forth. I get headaches all the time, every day just about, and I always feel like Im sick.. some days are worse than others.
If I dont write something down about the day or how I think I feel (which im never really quite clear on) then I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. If I dont get it out of me somehow.. blogs or paper.. I feel like I need to claw out of my own skin... My body aches and I cant stop moving.. my legs start hurting and I have to scream out loud. If I dont do something then I will have to lock myself away from everyone bc then my "symptoms" get so much worse and I just want to yell and fight with the people around me... If I dont make sure to do what I need to .. to ease the anxiousness then one of these days I will try to physically fight one of my family members... which I used to fight with my brother alot.. and even tho I was losing I never could understand that I should just back off.
So Why Am I telling you this? I want to know how the fuck these things go unnoticed.

If you have kids please pay attention to them. If you notice that there is something off or different about them it needs to be looked at. Going to a doctor to figure it out will help bc they can give you a number of options. Understanding what is wrong with your kids will make things easier on them as well as you. And many misunderstandings can be avoided.

I have a three year old son who is most likely autistic. We are undergoing the tests now, and I have just filled out a sheet asking all sorts of questions about his behavior. So I figured that I would post information that I have found about the subject in my blog. I believe that autism needs to be understood by more people... and that the more you know the more you can help those around you in case you have a special needs child in your home.

What is Autism?
Autism is not a disease, it is a symptom. It ranges in severity from a handicap that limits an otherwise normal life to a devastating disability requiring institutional care.
Autism is one of the most common developmental disabilities. Including the milder form of autism known as pervasive developmental disorder or PDD, autism affects more than six out of every 1,000 children.
Children with autism have trouble communicating. They have trouble understanding what other people think and feel. This makes it very hard for them to express themselves either with words or through gestures, facial expressions, and touch.
An autistic child who is very sensitive may be greatly troubled -- sometimes even pained -- by sounds, touches, smells, or sights that seem normal to others.
Autistic children may have repeated body movements such as rocking or hand flapping. They may have unusual responses to people, attachments to objects, resistance to change in their routines, and/or aggressive or self-injurious behavior. At times they may seem not to notice people, objects, or activities in their surroundings. Some children with autism also develop seizures, in some cases not until adolescence.
Many autistic people are mentally challenged, although most people with PDD have normal or even above-average intelligence. In contrast to mental retardation alone, which is characterized by relatively even skill development, people with autism show uneven skill development. They may have problems in certain areas, especially the ability to communicate and relate to others. But they may have unusually developed skills in other areas, such as drawing, creating music, solving math problems, or memorizing facts. For this reason, they may test higher -- perhaps even in the average or above-average range -- on nonverbal intelligence tests.
Autism typically appears during the first three years of life. Some children show signs from birth. Others seem to develop normally at first, only to slip suddenly into symptoms when they are 18 to 36 months old. Autism is four times more common in boys than in girls. It knows no racial, ethnic, or social boundaries. Family income, lifestyle, or educational levels do not affect a child's chance of having autism.

The different types of Autism:
Autistic Disorder- This is what most people think of when they hear the word "autism." It refers to problems with social interactions, communication, and imaginative play in children younger than 3 years.
Asperger's Syndrome- These children don't have a problem with language -- in fact, they tend to score in the average or above-average range on intelligence tests. But they have the same social problems and limited scope of interests as children with autistic disorder.
Pervasive developmental disorder or PDD -- also known as atypical autism- This is a kind of catchall category for children who have some autistic problems but who don't fit into other categories.
Rett's disorder- Known to occur only in girls, Rett's children begin to develop normally. Then they begin to lose their communication and social skills.  Beginning at the age of 1 to 4 years, repetitive hand movements replace purposeful use of the hands.
Childhood disintegrative disorder- These children develop normally for at least two years, and then lose some or most of their communication and social skills.

What causes Autism?

Because autism runs in families, most researchers think that certain combinations of genes may predispose a person to autism. It's currently thought that there may be several different causes of autism and that there may be several different subtypes of autism.

When a pregnant woman is exposed to certain drugs or chemicals during pregnancy, her child is more likely to be autistic. These risk factors include the use of alcohol and the use of antiseizure drugs during pregnancy. In some cases, autism has been linked to untreated phenylketonuria (called PKU, an inborn metabolic disorder caused by the absence of an enzyme), rubella (German measles), and celiac disease (an inability to tolerate gluten in grains).

Exactly why autism happens isn't clear. Research suggests that it may arise from physical problems in parts of the brain that interpret sensory input and process language. Imbalances in brain chemicals also appear to play a role.

Researchers have no evidence that a child's psychological environment -- such as how caregivers treat the child -- causes autism.

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/understanding-autism-basics

So I have been told that I need professional help. I know that is not something that a family member should tell you when they dont like how you peel a potato.. or anything else that really doesnt matter that much. But let us dissect my strangeness. I have quirks, I will admit. I do not do things in the "normal" way. I have some o.c.d. issues to say the least. here is an example.. I came in to work the other day, at five pm. And everything had already been done, as it should be in the mornings. The problem was that things were not done the way that I do them. There were some wine bottles set ontop of a cooler that freaked me out because they were in the wrong order, and certain items on the counter were in a different order than I would have put them in. So I fixed all of it. My co-worker watched me, laughing, and decided to mess with me and move a few more things around... I almost had a heart attack! 
I will admit that I can be stubborn at times. If I am used to doing things a certain way, I wont easily do it your way just because you say its a better way. Being dramatic about it and telling me that if I were in a life or death situation - I would choose death just because someone told me to choose life- is just a little over the top, dont ya think? Obviously, Im not the only one with this stubborness if its that big of a deal for me to do things your way! I dont like being held down, cornered, or pushed in any direction. So maybe if it were approached differently, another result would manifest itself... but thats not a gaurantee.
So here is another example.. let us see if I can describe it well enough. When I eat, no matter what it is, I will take a good look at it and move it around and pick at it, even if I am going to eat everything off the plate, I will still pick at it and eat a piece here and a piece there...  I have caught myself doing that... and I see that people get offended by these actions if they made the meal. I do not proceed to move the food around just to annoy the cook. I do it because ... well I just do. Most of the time I dont even realize that Im doing it, its normal in my eyes. If you give me a plate of french fries or  mac and cheese... no variation as to whats on the plate, it could all just be the same thing.. I will still move the food around and pick a little here and a little there. I have eaten this way my whole life. The fact that I have to pay that much attention to what Im doing so that I dont hurt someones feelings is astonishing to me. People take my actions as a personal attack and its sooo not meant as such. I have always been this way, and what the hell makes you so special? I dont see anyone else making the adjustments that I have to make for other peoples feelings. Its ridiculous. So in this situation, where I have to tread lightly as to not suffer the wrath of those with fragile psyches, I do what I can to avoid stupid conversations.
I can be rather irritable, I have my good and bad days. On some days the usual pet peeves are not a bother to me. But then on my off days, look the fuck out! My main problem with people is that they expect things out of me. I do not understand why I am supposed to do things the way everyone else wants me to. I do not give a flying rats ass if you do anything in anyway, why do you care so much about what I do?  I dont see why people assume that I know how to act or what to do around them... especially if I dont know you that well.. whether you are family or not, back the fuck up off of me. I just dont understand why people feel the need to force their view points and ways on others. do it like this, no you are doing it wrong. why wont u do it the way I want you to do it? what the fuck is wrong with you!  u have to cater to my emotional needs and fuck your emotions and shit... thats what I hear every time. to be honest, usually I have no emotional needs. I dont waste emotion on people that much. There are few people in this world that I have attached myself to. And out of them only on remains intact. My best friend for friggin life, and thats about the only person I will truly be loyal to. (my son of course but thats a given.. im talking about adults.)
I can be loyal to a fault.. I have learned from experience not to expect anything from anybody, because in the end, you will be dissappointed. Human beings can not and will not live up to your expectations, they will fuck up from time to time.  So my inner struggle is that of loyalty. I am too goddamned loyal, and I fight myself on a daily basis to not get attached to people, because I know that its never a mutual feeling.
Eh, I dont do well with hints or reading between the lines. If you have something to say to me you have to just come out and say it. If you dont then I will never know of your intentions .. good or bad. Really I would rather you have no intentions at all. Things happen, life is a bitch. period. what the fuck do you want from me?
emotions are a problem for me usually. They are self centered reactions to a situation. I dont have them at the right times.. or expected times. I do not react the RIGHT way to people... ever. If you show me something I am supposed to be surprized by... or something im supposed to be happy about... the reaction might be there but its fake. It took a lot of practice to react to you the way that im supposed to. Sometimes I feel a little bit but its just an echo of something that should be there but isnt. I dont know how else to explain it. to be perfectly honest, nothing surprizes me... I sit there listening to your stories and I have heard them all before from somewhere else but I didnt pay enough attention to remember who told me that story before you. It sounds horrible doesnt it? Well then call me a cunt and cry about it. because I dont know what else to tell you. I figured that I would say this to people so that they stop looking at me for whatever it is that Im supposed to already know... because I dont. I can sense enough from people to know how they want me to act and so I do that to smooth the times and places over with sugar and spice. Im so tired of this life.
If I wasnt an empath I would appear to be a robot to people. seriously, I do look like a robot sometimes. I have heard people say that I have no soul. I just dont have it in me for the small talk and the usual social interactions that are acceptable. It is just so trivial. I find myself laughing on the inside at things that if I were to laugh outloud about, people would find me psychotic. I have no reaction to you.. seriously. Just leave me alone about it. There are a couple of people that I am around that I consider friends... the rest of you can fuck off. coldhearted bitch. bite me.
It is not that I dont care about anyone. I really do, I care about the whole human race. I just find social acceptance and standards and normalcy to be down right idiotic. atleast on a daily basis. I do sometimes, not mind a little human contact.. some conversations and shit like that. I actually do appreciate a good binge drinking night with friends. I just dont like it all the time.  I have my good and my bad days like I said before.
I just have to have time to myself. But most people cant see past their own... well, themselves.  so I wont say that i dont fit that criteria. My problem with the human race is everyones hypocracy! All of you are telling me to think of others, do this and do that, but then when it comes to you I am just supposed to accept it that way. You want to change me but you wont change? fuck you.

Ok, thats enough of the rant... will continue it another day Im sure. :Þ

Stars and moon shining through her bedroom window at three in the morning. Clara sat at the edge of the bed, trying to piece together the dream she just had. She was walking down a dark road when she heard a familiar humming in her head. As she moved forward it got louder and louder. She saw a figure standing in a dim light, turned away from her. A male figure, well built, about her height.  She sped up to make it to him just as he turned towards her. As soon as she was within arms reach of the male the humming stopped and he began to fade away.
"Wait!" She yelled, which sounded only as faint as a whisper.
The figure disappeared all together. She looked around, moving in circles. The branches of the trees that hugged the dark road seemed to lean in towards her. As if wanting to caress her in her loss. And then it was over, She was lying in her bed, confused and very aware that she knew the person that she just dreamed about.
She stood up and looked in the mirror, only seeing her silhouette in the dark. And then she realized, the male in her dream was the male at the store. The male who distracted her within her thoughts while her parents died. A sudden sadness filled her heart. It had been over a year since her parents died and she still felt the pain. It never dulled, it never faded. Not only had it been a year since her parents died, it had been a year since she saw the male, it had been a year since she had any visions of any kind. In fact, it had been a year since she had felt anything other than pain in her heart. While dreaming she felt a sense of longing, to know who the male was and with every second that passed she began to feel the need even more. There were unanswered questions. The questions were even unknown to her. But she knew that the male was connected to her in some way. She felt it in the store that day. She felt it every time she thought of him. An unfamiliar yet comforting feeling that she seemed to belong somehow... like family.
As she turned to the door, she fell into a familiar trance. She was suddenly back at that lonely dark road. And there was the figure standing in the faint light shining through the trees. She stood there watching, waiting to hear the humming in her head.. but there was no humming. This seemed like a real place, not a dream this time. The male figure moved slightly, the sound of his shoes on the gravel was faint and slow. She moved slowly towards him, the closer she got the clearer his face became, even in the pale moon light.  It was the young man that dazed her in the store. He nodded as she made her way towards him. 
"Hello Clara," he said in a smooth calm voice, that was familiar but not. "How are you?"
She hesitated for a moment, casual conversation? "I am okay, considering.." she said in a melancholy tone.
He nodded again, staring into her eyes as if trying to see something no one else can see.
"Who are you?" she asked, "I know you somehow, dont I?"
He nodded again. "You and I are that of the same, in a way."
Bewildered, she shook her head as if to shake leaves out of her hair, "What? What does that mean?"
He stared at her for what seemed like a lifetime, and then he blinked. "You are not ready yet." and he turned to walk away.
"Wait a minute! Not ready? Can you give me something?" she yelled.
He sighed, irritated," There are things about you and your past, your... Heritage that you wouldnt understand and most likely wouldnt believe. Simply because you grew up the way you did. I left you something in your dresser drawer, second from the top." and then he dissapeared.
She stood there alone, again, and thought of what he said. Things in your past that you wouldnt understand? What does that even mean!?! I know that Im different from most people. I know that Im adopted and that I dont belong where I currently am. What more do I need to understand?
Her eyes opened with a start when she realized there was someone in the room with her.
"Are you okay?" A young womans voice came velveted across the room.The bedroom light came on. It was her cousin, Mindi. She was sixteen with dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes, the head cheerleader and valedictorian of her class... a conundrum.
"Um, yeah I am fine, Why?"
"You were yelling. You were speaking like you were two people. It was like a scene out of the exorcist!" she shivered.
Clara rolled her eyes,"whatever."
"So... who is the guy?" Mindi grinned hopefully.
"The guy?"
"I could totally tell you were talking to a guy, your voice got lower. He gave you a gift right?" she giggled. "that means he likes you"
Clara laughed loudly, for the first time in a year. She looked around the room and then at her dresser, second drawer from the top. "hey mindi, why dont you go back to bed, you have a pep rally tomorrow."
"Ugh, like I dont know that! you have to tell me everything when i get home tomorrow ok?" she pleaded. Obviously thinking that she was going to hear some juicy love story. Mindi smiled at Clara, who could tell that she just realized that laughter actually ensued just a second ago. "g'night." she said as she skipped out of the room.
"nite," Clara said quietly. She moved towards her dresser drawer. She hesitated for a moment, wondering what it could possibly be. Could it be an item from my past that might possibly bring up some repressed memories that will trip me out? Just open the drawer. She sighed, and opened the drawer to find a box about half the size of a shoe box resting easily on her favorite pair of jeans. The box looked like it was made of wood, but it was light, she found out, as she picked it up. There was a little fish hook holding the top down inside of a loop. The metal on the box shimered like crystals.
She took a deep breath and held it as she opened the box. The first thing she saw was an envelope, just a regular envelope, sealed with her name on it. Underneath the envelope was a little statue of a woman standing in a relaxed pose, a necklace with a symbol on the pendant that she did not recognize, and a charm bracelet.  She decided not to touch any of the items because she knew a vision would pop up or something along those lines. She decided to just let it sit for a while... all exept the letter.
She held the letter in one hand and closed the box with the other. Placing the box back where she found it, she stared at the envelope.. the writing looked a little messy but it was legible. She closed the drawer and sat on the edge of her bed.
She opened the envelope slowly, and pulled the pages out with care. Three pages and the writing was different. Very neat and tidy script. She was startled and awed by the first line. My Darling Daughter...

to be continued.

the following was written today at work.. on a bunch of small pieces of paper...

I had decided to write a story, i was writing that because i wasnt really sure what kind of story to write. I figured I would take an everyday situation for me and see if I could write it in an interesting way. It was an F bomb in my opinion. I could have done much better.. but lately inspiration has left me. i am noticing that if i have to work the next day, then i end up with a hurried version of what i meant to create.
To be honest, my mind kept going blank throughout the whole process of writing Spanish Serenade. Im going to re-write it. I like the title and i meant for the story to be more imaginative. but what did i end up with? just a girl that you know nothing about listening to faceless people speaking in another language. So thts what i get for rushing things right?
lol I had a though, as i was posting the last blog, that i shouldnt post it as is. it needs to be more descriptive but i posted it anyway. so now i feel like a moron. i just wanted to have another piece of work on my blog.. and instead I just posted an amateur story... ugh.
I was trying to show a girl who is not content with life finally feel a sense of ease by the energies within her atmospere... it is just another day at work for me listening to the cooks speak spanish.. a really good writer can take any scenario and make it worth reading... i failed miserably. it just didnt turn out the way that i intended. so back to the drawing board, or in my case.. the "writing board"?

but anyway...

I was trying to do two things at once, respond to a fellow blogger (who is an awesome guy and generally does what he can to help others) and write a simple yet intricate story. perhaps i should not have combined the two... i would like to make an impact on people and have people search for the stuff that i write. so maybe if i put a little more care into my work that will happen. :Þ